Is St. Peter really the keeper of the keys?

We are told that St. Peter has the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven and that he stands in front of a wrought iron gate only allowing in certain people who have lived exemplary lives. I suspect that he has only one large key (maybe a skeleton key -- heh heh!) unlike the millions of Americans who everyday lug around circular metal rings containing multiple keys, laminated family pictures, a Swiss army knife and access cards with a barcode from various department stores, coffee shops and super markets.

In that regard, I am always amazed at the number of keys and artifacts some people carry around in their pockets, jackets and purses. Some are reminiscent of what a dungeon guard might be carrying. To get a good sampling of key rings, look no further than a parking valet's board. There you will see key fobs with a couple of keys and of course a wad of keys that at times must weigh several pounds.

For me, I have a remote key fob my car; two keys for our home; and two barcode access cards. Just the other day as I was compiling information for this column and interviewing some people at our gym a young lady displayed to me a key ring containing 12 keys and 11 barcode access cards. When queried about the keys she was able to identify and recognize only five keys. Several of the keys appeared as if they might fit a suitcase and one was for a now defunct hotel in Amarillo, Texas. The barcode access cards were just as outdated as there were several for the now closed Borders Bookstore. As is the custom of most people with wads of keys and barcode access cards, my friend was reluctant to remove any of the keys. Heck, there might be a key to some hidden treasure in a safe deposit box somewhere.

Many years ago I had occasion to lend an office key to an FBI agent who needed to do some surveillance work after hours at our company. I reminded him that there was only one key to the office and it was etched with the words: "Do not duplicate." After the project was completed the agent gave me an envelope containing five keys all etched with the words: "Do not duplicate." When I asked how he was able to circumvent that admonition on the key he matter of factly stated: "We're the FBI." Well, so much for key security.

And speaking of keys, comedian Jerry Seinfeld once wondered if there is a key for airliners. He mused that it would be interesting and yet entertaining to have the pilot announce that "there will be a slight delay since I forgot the key to the plane. I left it in my apartment." As an override to not having a key, some car companies are now offering a keyless start. Not sure though how one enters the automobile without a key. Maybe using a code displayed on the outside door is the answer.

One of my favorite Alfred Hitchcock movies is about a key, namely the classic, "Dial M For Murder." In the movie, Ray Milland plays the jilted husband of Grace Kelly and he concocts a plan to have her killed by a petty criminal. Part of the plan calls for the would-be assailant to enter the apartment using a latchkey left for him under the carpet by the staircase outside the apartment. The plot thickens when multiple keys somehow are introduced into the plot by police. I would continue with the plot, but then I would have to post a "warning spoiler," so just rent the movie. You will be in for a treat.

So in summary, take a look at your keys and determine if you can name all the doors, cars, boxes, rooms and lockers that each key opens. If not, it may be time to lessen your load. Sometime down the road I'm hoping to watch St. Peter use his special key and open the proverbial gates of Heaven. But for now, for me, there is only one key that is the most important one in my life -- my wife Mary holds the key to my heart. Okay all together now -- AAH!