I was playing around on Myspace this morning and a friend had posted a funny Google search game. You type in your name followed by "needs" and see what the first item on the list says.

Of course I jumped right over to Google.com and typed in "Layne Needs" and got the following response, "I think that Layne 'needs' the feedback from the blog the way she 'needs' to have somebody in her life."

Now I realize this was written about some other Layne, but I had to laugh. Not only is it dripping with sarcasm, but is it a curse of all those named Layne to need attention? I admit I do.

My family will be the first to tell you I was all about the negative attention! And if the mothers curse of "your children are going to be just like you" ever comes to pass, then I'm doomed.

Which made me start thinking about having children. My fiancé's daughter is 13 and we've been together since she was 6. I know I missed out on a lot of her life, but I've been there through a good chunk of it. And while I may not know how to burp a baby, I'm fully confident in discussing all the pre-teen puberty questions you can toss out at me.

Anyway, Heather really really REALLY wants a baby brother or sister. She's amazing with kids. They flock to her. Tony has even mentioned wanting another child. But I'm afraid I'm the hold out. I like them well enough, but I like them when I can give them back. Part of me doesn't want kids because I know I'm not patient enough, but the louder part of my head tells me I really don't want kids because I'm selfish and don't want to have to grow up.

That does not give me a warm fuzzy in the tummy either. It makes me feel like a horrible person. I mentioned to Tony the other day that I wasn't sure if I wanted kids or not and he told me he wished I would have told him this a long time ago, because he felt bad for leading Heather to believe we'd have kids. Which of course made me ask the question "So you only want me to have a kid so Heather will be happy?" I can really be a spoiled, selfish brat. I mean honestly, sometimes the most hurtful things just fly out of my mouth. For some it's an effort to be mean. Apparently for me it's a talent. I'm still trying to pry my feet out of my mouth over that little statement!

I don't know, maybe I'm just not cut out to be a mother. Or maybe I just need to grow up and stop making excuses for my bad behavior.

(P.S. I'd like to thank the google search for somehow leading my mind from "needing attention"...to babies...to growing up. Lovely how the mind wanders.)