"Nobody wants to be lonely, no body wants to cry. My heart is longing to hold you, so bad it hurts inside. Time is precious and it's slipping away, and I really need you here in my life. No body wants to be lonely, so why, why don't you let me love you?"

-Christina Aguilera and Ricky Martin, Nobody wants to be lonely.

(I know that's super cheesy but it's the song that was playing in my head when I was thinking about what I was going to write hehe Plus I love Christina!)

It just occurred to me that I'm single... well I guess not just the fact that I'm single, but that I never have a boyfriend, hardly ever. I have one every year or two, but I've honestly never had an uber serious relationship; which is fine with me, but on the other hand how come? I'm a very independent person, which I enjoy very much, and if any man stood in the way of that (and trust me there's been reported cases of this) I am capable of fending for myself and leaving him.

I'm not saying that I'm not willing to stop doing something a significant other doesn't like, but I am saying I'm not going to change my whole being just for them; I'd really have to be head-over-flip-flops for someone if that happened to me; I bow to no one. (I don't wear anything but flip flops very often, so I changed the heels part. haha). I just really want someone who likes me, and maybe on day could love me, for me, that's it. Someone who doesn't want me to change, and doesn't mind that I'm crazy.... trust me, I'm a little nutty, not like psycho stalker and/or killer nutty, just nutty. I've always been kind of a loner in the dating department. However, I'm starting to realize, now that I'm in my 20s, that maybe I do want someone to be with. Trouble with that is, I can never seem to find anyone.

"But Chassedi, you're so pretty and could snag just about anyone I wanted." you may think to yourself. However, nothing is as easy as it seems. To start it all off, I live in a rather small town, where everybody knows everybody, so to a lot of the guys I'm like a little sister and/or a friend or to my gang from back in the day I'm just "one of the guys." Which is cool, b/c I love my guys to death; even if some of them HAVE abandoned me because their girlfriends are uncomfortable with them hanging out with girls, I still love them. Another thing would be I don't really go out too much anymore. I know I'm 21 now and should go out, but I really don't... and once again, even if I did the guys are either old nasty drunks or the guys I used to hangout with regularly. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I'm also not what you would call a "serial dater." I've had eight boyfriends in my life time, and recently kind of sorta, but not really (I guess) was dating/just hanging out with a wonderful guy who had to leave because he's in the Marines.The lifetime of my relationships span anywhere from 3 to 7 months. So yeah, I don't date much... and if and when I do, it's not for very long for.

I don't know if it's me or them or maybe a mixture of different personalities clashing together, forming an oil and water combo. I don't think it's me, but no one has ever told me any different. So I don't know...

...Gosh, this is another thing that irritates me, I used to never doubt myself! EVER! Until one person, and I remember the day it happened (the first day of Good Ol' Days 2005 to be exact!), planted that seed of doubt when he told me I should come out and party, and when I told him I couldn't because the person I was interested in was coming out to visit me, and he said, and I quote, "Why would he go out to see you, when he could party with us?" I got very angry with him and either yelled or hung up or both. Afterwards I remember thinking, "Oh my gosh, what if he really doesn't come out?" Then, because I'm a big girl, I cried a little bit. A little while later, I saw headlights coming down the road and it was him. He did show up to chill with me, so all was not lost. The bad part is now that little seed has grown into a damn tree, and I've turned into this person who is unsure how people really view her, and always wondering what people's real intentions are. So to that person... and you may or may not who you are, thanks a lot, you are the one person who was able to change the way I viewed myself!

Ok that was a little off topic, but I had to put it out there. Alrighty, now I have to recap... So anyway, over the past two years I've had one boyfriend, and now I'm back to where I started; my Miss Independent phase, if you will. So my outlook on me ever being with someone who is totally awesome and clicks with me, is looking rather dreary... a part of me is sad, another part doesn't care, and the other part is optimistic and KNOWS I won't be alone forever. I am constantly reassuring myself that this is how my life has always been, nothings really changed except for my age and the way I perceive the world around me. Still, there's that little nagging voice that keeps saying, "Maybe you are supposed to walk to world alone forever?" What if I am? That would suck... I would end up the crazy cat lady of the neighborhood, who all the children think is an evil witch and are scared of... of course I'd probably be bitter because I'd been alone for so long, so they would have reason to be scared of me! Oh lord... I am doomed! NOT COOL! But someday, I know, when I get my feet back on the ground and am able to sit down and actually see what the world of men has to offer me... and hopefully no losers or womanizers come my way... maybe I'll find someone great; until then, I'm just chillin' in my single life.

So, what have I learned after typing all of this? I learned that one person planting a seed of doubt can set off your whole world forever, making you paranoid of people you like being around, and of course as always, I may or may not be doomed to walk this world alone for the rest of my life. So... I learned nothing new really.

Peace.