We've all heard of the mid-age crisis, right? At my ripe age of 21, I have been having what I am going to call the "twenty blues." Things are starting to bother me about getting older; in example, knowing that my teenage years are over, gaining weight, and of course the illusive gray hair! Stupid genetics! It seems like every age group throughout the years has different "realizations." For instance, I remember being 10 years old, and I told my uncle Robert that in 8 years I would be 18. Sure as heck didn't think those 8 years were going to come so fast. It's amazing... My teenage years were probably the funnest times of my life. Hopefully more will come! *crosses fingers*

I think it hit me the day I turned 20 and there was no longer the word 'teen' following my age. That was odd, very odd. But nothing much changed; although I do remember thinking, "Wow, I'm not a teenager anymore. This is weird." I knew changes were going to happen, like that I would have to get a "real job" and not work at the restaurant anymore, and that I would have to start focusing on what I was going to do with my life. Become this totally different person, but feeling like the same ol' Chassedi. Why is that so difficult? Does it have to be difficult or do I just put to much thought into life? Probably all of the above. I do admit I think about things way to much, I get it from my grandma and I don't like it. BUT my new found conscienceness has been able to keep me out of trouble, so we'll give it a thumbs up in that department.

The year leading up to my 21st birthday was full of changes. Chalk full, may I add. I got a new job (the current one I have now, as the Editorial Assistant at the Daily Mail), I have shorter hair, no facial piercing, I'm not as wild as I once was and my life is in a constant state of change. It's like a river, it just keeps flowing, never with the same contents as the minute before and always full of debris! What a crazy life I lead...

In addition to all the other changes my social pool is slowly but surely leaking and I feel will soon be dry. I still have my close friends that I've had since high school. And let's not forget the couple friends and many acquaintances I've made in Fort Scott; sadly they too are dwindling in the twilight's of my past. That's one big change I have noticed that 20 some year olds get, it seems like everyone all at once gets married and/or pregnant. And me being the single one out of the group, I'm not at the top of anyone's list to call if something's going on because, 1. I have no significant other, and 2. I am without child. Not saying that you have to have a child or a significant other to hang out with people, but it seems as if you get thought of more if you have one or both of these things. I'm all alone : ( I would like to give a shout out to my friend's Nikki L., Nikki P. and John for always being there! (there is of course my sister and mom but they are family so they don't count right now)

As time goes on, I am beginning to hate money. Hate it with a fiery passion that come from the depth of my mortal soul. I work, and every two weeks I get paid, which I do love. But the part I hate is that I can't keep the money I make. The bill payment sharks eat my money and before I know it I'm waiting for the next two weeks for my next paycheck. Getting paid feels good, but it sucks at the same time. I thought after I got my court fines paid off, everything money wise would get better.... NOPE! Of course not, that would work out WAY to easily. But things are slowly getting better. I am actually able to pay my bills now! So I guess I need to look at the good and not the bad. I try to make sure my glass is always half full... but mostly its only a quarter full.

The biggest part of aging that I don't like is, as I stated above, that I feel like I'm supposed to be this totally different person, but feel the same as I always have. How do you change that, or not have this feeling? Does it go away with time? Or am I doomed to feel like this for the rest of my life, because I know that with every passing year, I'm getting older, as is the world around me, and nothing will ever go back to the way it used to be? And a big part of me really feels like nothing in my life is ever going to change. I really want it to, and am trying to make efforts but nothing seems "good enough." Through all of this, I am disappointed that I have been out of high school for almost 3 years and have nothing to show for the time I've been a graduate. I should be getting ready to graduate college, or already have graduated, but I haven't found anything that really sparks my interest. For the first time in my life I feel like... dare I say it?.... a loser. At least I'm trying, I guess. But again, nothing is ever good enough. I've always been a late bloomer, something I have been unable to help. I think typing all of this out has actually made me realize I have made progress, but because I'm impatient and like to hurry, it doesn't seem like I am.

SO, to all the youth of the nation, time goes faster than you think so don't waste it you'll be sorry later, and to my elders I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about, and please don't dog me just because I'm younger and "don't know what being old is." Being in your early twenties sucks; it's like trying to figure out a mangled, half burnt, soggy jigsaw puzzle that seems like you will ever find the piece of the puzzle that you need at the moment when you need it. My personal advice: Remember this too shall pass, and watch chick flicks with a bag of chocolate (my personal favorite is Titanic.), and maybe take some lithium if you think it's that bad. (I am not a medical doctor, do NOT take this advice for you could harm yourself, I am only exaggeratingg for humor purposes!)

Peace.